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Cuddle Party FAQ
Click on a question to go directly to the answer, or scroll down to read the questions and answers in order. Also feel free to contact us with questions.
Who signs up for Cuddle Party and why?
What are the benefits of Cuddle Party?
Who is the "Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty" and what does he/she do?
What is the format of Cuddle Party?
What kind of cuddling happens at a Cuddle Party?
It seems weird to cuddle with strangers. How do participants become so comfortable with it?
What is the age range of participants?
How many participants attend each Cuddle Party?
What are the participants like?
Where are the events held and in what kind of space?
The people on your web site seem very attractive. Will I fit in at Cuddle Party?
The people on your web site seem very unattractive. Why should I attend?
I'm a woman. What can I get out of Cuddle Party from a woman's perspective?
I'm a man. How can I benefit from Cuddle Party from a guy's perspective?
Who are you guys kidding? Cuddling always leads to sex.
I'm shy. Will I feel comfortable at Cuddle Party?
I have some body image issues. How will I fare at Cuddle Party?
I'm ridiculously attractive, physically. Will I be out of place at Cuddle Party?
I'm curious to come to a Cuddle Party but I'm scared. What should I do?
I'd love to come to a Cuddle Party but I have a lot of trouble saying no. How can you help?
Do people attend Cuddle Party just once, or do they attend repeatedly?
Cuddle Party is a three-and-a-half-hour workshop/social-event created in 2004 by New York-based relationship coaches Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski. Its purpose is to give adults a space to have fun, meet new people, develop better intimacy skills, and share affectionate touch in a gently structured, open-communication, expectation-free setting.
The basic structure of the event has two components: One, you always ask for what you want, and two, it's not only okay to say no, it's encouraged.
The unique event has, since its founding, spread across the world, with trained and certified Cuddle Party facilitators now leading Cuddle Parties in Los Angeles, New York, San Francisco, Toronto, Alabama, Seattle, London, Zurich, Sydney, and many other cities across the globe.
Cuddle Party was created and designed by New York-based relationship coaches Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski.
The duo share a passion for honest, straightforward communication, and a mission to bring the full spectrum of affectionate touch possibilities back into adult relationships.
For more about Reid and Marcia, visit their bios page at cuddleparty.com.
Who signs up for Cuddle Party and why?
Many single men and women, who are often missing physical affection in their lives, sign up for Cuddle Party to meet new people, have fun, and share affectionate touch in a setting that is friendly, communication-oriented, and expectation-free.
Other people sign up for Cuddle Party to learn greater self-assertion, become better boundary-setters, grow in self-acceptance, or become more comfortable enjoying a wider range of affectionate touch. They find that Cuddle Party is friendly environment in which to work on new and better ways of communicating, connecting, and taking care of oneself.
Finally, some people sign up for Cuddle Party out of sheer curiosity and desire for adventure. They're often surprised by how much depth and richness they find at Cuddle Party and often marvel at how natural it feels to socialize in a way that includes affectionate touch.
What are the benefits of Cuddle Party?
Affectionate touch is essential to physical and emotional health. Yet many adults, particularly those who are not in a romantic relationship, are missing this crucial nutrient, and sometimes even find themselves doing things they'd prefer not to, in order to get it. At a basic level, then, Cuddle Party provides a space and skills for men and women to enjoy affectionate touch, without sexual expectations, and all of this in an open-communication, boundary-respectful, fun and friendly environment. The result is a fulfilling and fruitful sense of emotional and physical relaxation and invigoration that often lasts for several days after an event.
In addition, though, and perhaps more importantly, Cuddle Party teaches empowering skills and attitudes that enable participants to take care of themselves more effectively in their lives. Whether it's in the realm of affectionate touch and relationships or elsewhere, Cuddle Party's tendency to gently encourage improved self-assertion, greater self-acceptance, and better boundary-setting, often has wide-ranging impact. Participants find themselves being more bold at work, more honest with friends and relatives, and more kind, loving and supportive of themselves and their significant others.
Finally, participants often find Cuddle Party, quite simply, a remarkably enjoyable social experience, which attracts fascinating people to meet and connect with. The event engenders a sense of mutual adventure, and the inclusion of physical connection in the social mix creates a special electricity that is both exciting and deeply natural. Perhaps for these reasons, by the end of each Cuddle Party, facilitators and participants often feel as though something magical has just taken place, and leave with the sense that the world is a bit brighter than they'd previously suspected.
Who is the "Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty" and what does he/she do?
The Cuddle Lifeguard is the facilitator of a Cuddle Party, and is assisted by the Assistant Lifeguard, also known in some circles as the "Cuddle Caddy." The Lifeguards welcome guests, lead the Welcome Circle, and then, during the socializing and cuddling portion of the event, participate and make sure that everyone can feel safe and have a good time.
Cuddle Lifeguards are certified by Cuddle Party creators Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski upon successful completion of an extended training and certification program, which includes leadership development, training in facilitation, and CPR/First-Aid certification.
To learn more about CuddleLA's Lifeguards, please visit our lifeguards page.
What is the format of Cuddle Party?
Cuddle Party starts with an hour long Welcome Circle. This is where participants get to introduce themselves, learn about the Cuddle Party philosophy, get oriented to the Cuddle Party rules, practice the Cuddle Party communication skills, and be led through a few fun exercises that help break the ice.
The Welcome Circle is followed by two hours of socializing and cuddling time, where participants get to know one another, ask for what they want, say yes and no to requests and invitations, cuddle and "cuddle mingle," enjoy an eclectic mix of music (played at a volume that allows easily for conversation), relax, and have fun. Some participants cuddle in groups, others cuddle in pairs, while others like to just chat while they become acquainted with the environment.
At the end of the event, and after an often-humorous Puppy Pile (for those who enjoy such things), the Cuddle Lifeguards lead a short Closing Circle, where they share some closing thoughts with the group, and give participants a chance to share any of their own parting thoughts.
For a slightly more detailed presentation of the Cuddle Party format, see this section of our home page.
What kind of cuddling happens at a Cuddle Party?
Feet resting against feet, holding hands, full-body hugs, spooning, head-against-shoulders, head-rubs, massaging, caressing, foot-rubs, back-rubs, belly-rubs, kissing, and anything else that this list might be missing. (That is, so long as it falls within the Cuddle Party rules.)
There's cuddling in pairs, and cuddling in groups, and plenty of what we call "Cuddle Mingling."
There's never a pressure to do this or that, and not cuddling is totally fine. And because everyone always asks specifically for what they want, and because saying "yes" and "no" honestly is part of the design, you always have a choice about what kind of cuddling to engage in.
You'll also never need to worry about someone going farther than you wish, because participants must ask first before doing anything new.
And, of course, you also get to ask for exactly what you want, and the other person can say "yes" or "no" too.
It seems weird to cuddle with strangers. How do participants become so comfortable with it?
Let's say you're in a coffee shop and you meet an attractive person who sits down by you. You talk for a little while and you find yourself feeling safe and comfortable. If it were clear that both of you desired it, and if it were clear that there were no expectations, would it really feel all that weird for one of you to rest a knee against the other's knee?
This is all Cuddle Party is: a place where expectations that are usually taken for granted by adults in our culture are checked at the door, and where desires and boundaries are talked about openly so as to eliminate any need for mind-reading.
In other words, Cuddle Party is a safe space for you to be in fundamental control of your experiences, only sharing affectionate touch when you feel comfortable with it, in ways you feel comfortable with, and with people you feel comfortable with — not more.
The idea that you can be in fundamental control of your own social experiences is such a new concept for many people, they find it hard to imagine what it might feel like. (Hint: It feels really good.) But it makes sense that if you are used to navigating new relationships in terms of expectations and mind-reading, the idea of cuddling with "strangers" is going to feel quite uncomfortable indeed.
Yet in addition to communication and boundary-setting issues, there is another reason this question comes up. Namely: we live in a culture that has not always had an easy relationship with sex.
This uneasiness, expressed in religious prejudice against sex, taboos around and censorship of sexual subject matter, and, on the opposite side of the coin, the superficial ways sex tends to be portrayed in entertainment and the media, works its way into the suggestible minds of young children. These children eventually turn into adults who are not only somewhat limited in their sexuality, but also limited around activities that are reminiscent of or in some way related to sex, such as ... cuddling!
In cultures that have fewer taboos around sex and are more comfortable with sex in general (for example, Brazil, or France, or most other Latin and Mediterranean countries), people who are not in sexual relationships, such as friends, siblings, new acquaintances, etc., touch each other far more casually and easily than Americans and citizens of other nations with puritan heritages.
Friends will lean up against each other happily without a second thought, touching, hugging, and otherwise physically connecting unselfconsciously. They connect physically as easily and naturally as they connect verbally, because they do not regard the physical as more dangerous or suspicious than the verbal. (Check out this research, for example, comparing the touch behavior of American teens to the touch behavior of French teens. The French teens touch each other more frequently, while the American teens touch themselves more frequently. The American teens are apparently far more aggressive as well!)
But if you can't get to a foreign country to observe people who are more comfortable with touch, there is a place closer to home where you can go to observe: your local elementary school playground! Simply notice how children (particularly the younger ones, who haven't yet been socialized to fear physical connection) touch each other: they do it easily, naturally, affectionately, and unselfconsciously.
So, in our view, what we are doing at Cuddle Party is really not all that weird. We are simply reintroducing into adult life a form of affectionate connecting that is part of our natural social expression as human beings.
What is the age range of participants?
Our participants are mostly in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, with a few participants in their 50s and above. All ages 18 and above are welcome.
How many participants attend each Cuddle Party?
Usually between ten and twenty, though CuddleLA has facilitated events with as few as six participants, and with as many as twenty-five.
In our experience, big events are great for their festive energy, small events are great for the sense of intimacy, and medium-sized events are great for their combination of these two qualities.
As one of our participants, who attended both big and small events, remarked, "big or small, Cuddle Party works."
We agree.
What are the participants like?
Cuddle Party participants come from a variety of backgrounds, but they tend to have these qualities in common: 1. a somewhat more independent personality than average, 2. a basic warmth, friendliness, and openness toward others or a desire for such, and 3. a tendency to be more focused on depth and spirit and less on superficial appearance.
In terms of specifics, we have met students, artists, entrepreneurs, teachers, therapists, graphic designers, scientists, office assistants, musicians, and those who are still searching for their path. We've met people who are gregarious, shy, silly, serious, intuitive, intellectual, introverted, and extroverted. We've met people from all over the United States, as well as from Britain, Mexico, Russia, Germany, the Carribean, and many other countries. We've met people of all different ethnicities, religious and cultural backgrounds, we've met people who hold a variety of worldviews, and we've met people who don't hold any particular worldviews.
Where are the events held and in what kind of space?
CuddleLA events are held at Yo Mama Yoga studio on the 3rd St. Promenade in Santa Monica. Yo Mama Yoga consists of a cozy studio-room, where we pile padding, yoga mats, blankets and pillows, to create a colorful, cuddly space. There are male and female bathrooms adjacent to the room. There is $3-flat-rate parking available in any of the closeby public parking lots, and one can also find free street parking if this is preferred.
The people on your web site seem very attractive. Will I fit in at Cuddle Party?
Yes. Cuddle Party tends to attract people who, while not blind to the value of appearance, are generally more interested in how spiritually hot you are than in whether you could make a living as a bathing suit model.
The people on your web site seem very unattractive. Why should I attend?
So you can grow your heart.
I'm a woman. What can I get out of Cuddle Party from a woman's perspective?
Cuddle Party is an extremely empowering event for women.
Some women find that Cuddle Party is a place where they can learn to take charge of their own experiences more skillfully and confidently, by learning to ask for what they want. They learn that this self-assertiveness leads to higher self-esteem and getting more out of life.
Some women with weak boundaries find Cuddle Party a great place to learn and practice saying "no." They learn that saying "no" in a clear and straightforward manner doesn't cause buildings to crumble or the sky to fall, and they find that knowing and communicating their boundaries leads to feelings of greater comfort and safety with others and more genuine and trusting social connections.
Many women find in Cuddle Party a place where they are respected, more than usual, as whole individuals. For women who are used to being treated as though their bodies and minds are separate and to be engaged with in separate ways, they find that at Cuddle Party they are engaged with as whole human beings, without the designs, lack of care, or physical repression that is often typical of habitual male-female interactions.
Finally, Cuddle Party often attracts amazing men: men who are strong, courageous, sensitive, honorable, and willing to communicate honestly and authentically.
I'm a man. How can I benefit from Cuddle Party from a guy's perspective?
In many of the same ways women can benefit: you can learn to take charge of your experience in new ways by learning to ask for exactly what you want instead of attempting to play superficial games; you can learn to know and communicate your boundaries and in so doing develop greater self-respect; you can experience what it is like to be honored as a whole individual in a group setting rather than as an economic performer or status symbol; and you are likely to meet some amazing women at Cuddle Party.
Men have also reported that Cuddle Party has helped them overcome fears of rejection, learn to receive affection more openly, and relate to women and men in more honest and authentic ways.
Who are you guys kidding? Cuddling always leads to sex.
In many people's experience in this culture, cuddling is, indeed, always connected with sex. But why is this so?
As we mentioned in the FAQ about "cuddling with strangers," our culture has not always had an easy relationship with sex. Children in our culture tend to absorb, to greater or lesser degrees, society's messages that sex is bad, dirty, and sinful. And inevitably, as sex becomes a "questionable" activity in a young person's mind, all affectionate touch activities become implicated by association.
Teenagers find themselves feeling "weird" about touch in general, so that when they are with their friends they don't know what to do with all their affectionate energy. (See this research, for example, comparing the touch behavior of French and American teens.)
In this way, the full spectrum of affectionate energy tends to get pent up in the same locked container, and then, as adults, individuals are only able to enjoy touch in an all-or-nothing manner.
That is, either one is having sex with someone and enjoying all the affectionate touch that goes along with sex, or one is limited to the perfunctory handshake or goodbye hug. The full spectrum of options and choices is lost!
But not irretrievably.
It is possible to regain, if you have lost it, the capacity to connect with others along the whole wide spectrum of affectionate possibilities, so that you can connect in whatever ways feel right between you and another person. With some individuals and at certain times you will want to connect sexually. With others and at other times you may want to connect in any number of physically affectionate ways that are not necessarily sexual.
How is this possible? By learning to communicate with integrity and by learning to drop expectations.
This is, of course, exactly what happens at Cuddle Party, and what Cuddle Party teaches.
I'm shy. Will I feel comfortable at Cuddle Party?
If you sign up for Cuddle Party, you will likely feel nervous at first. Most if not all participants do. But, given our experience, we can virtually guarantee that by the end of the event, if you've stuck it out and were willing to take some risks, you will find yourself more socially comfortable than you ever dreamed.
The Welcome Circle includes several ice-breaker exercises.
We won't lie to you: Cuddle Party requires courage. It takes courage to ask for what you want and risk being rejected. For some it takes courage to ask for what you want and risk getting a yes! For many it takes courage to simply sign up for a Cuddle Party and risk entering into a new and potentially scary environment.
With all that said, we as Cuddle Party facilitators do everything in our power to help every participant feel as comfortable, supported, welcomed, and safe as possible. It is always one of our deepest aims to create a space that is friendly, warm, accepting, and conducive to our participants' ability to connect with each other and to grow as individuals.
Also, starting with the Welcome Circle and then throughout the event, Cuddle Party is a space consciously designed to allow you to practice new behaviors in a context where doing so is expected, accepted, encouraged, and admired. In this way, it is a great place to grow into greater self-assertiveness, and to experience what is often a therapeutic sense of social acceptance.
And, if you ever need support during your experience or want a bit of encouragement, the Cuddle Lifeguards are always available to be of assistance.
I have some body image issues. How will I fare at Cuddle Party?
The answer to this question is similar to our answer to the previous question about being shy: given a certain level of courage, you will likely fare very well.
We would add that in our experience, Cuddle Party tends to attract participants, whatever their body types, who are more interested in who you are as a person, than in whether you fit a preconceived or conventional image of attractiveness. For this reason, Cuddle Party can be a valuable space for those with body image issues to learn greater self-acceptance, and to experience an often healing kind of social acceptance.
I'm ridiculously attractive, physically. Will I be out of place at Cuddle Party?
No, you won't be out of place. Cuddle Party attracts all manner of beautiful people!
I'm curious to come to a Cuddle Party but I'm scared. What should I do?
Let yourself be afraid, don't be hard on yourself about your fear, ponder what you might be afraid of, consider whether Cuddle Party might benefit or enhance your life, read through this web site if you think information might be useful, contact us if you have a question, and then decide what you would like to do.
I'd love to come to a Cuddle Party but I have a lot of trouble saying no. How can you help?
If you're interested to attend Cuddle Party but your fear of saying no is so extreme it renders you powerless and terror-stricken, we might suggest some form of trauma-neutralization therapy, such as EMDR, so that you can alleviate what is likely a systemic phobia based on past traumatic experiences. (Contact us and we'll be happy to make a referral; we know some good people.)
A participant enjoys the no exercise.
If, on the other hand, your discomfort around saying no is manageable and you recognize a need to, or have a desire to, become more comfortable setting your boundaries with others, you might find Cuddle Party a great place to practice and learn this skill.
It is not unheard of for women or men to attend Cuddle Party and spend part or all of the event saying no to requests just for the practice. One of the things we teach at Cuddle Party is not to take a "no" personally, and this teaching also creates a context where saying no can feel less confronting or threatening.
Of course, we think it's important to be able to say no in any context, but Cuddle Party provides an excellent "training wheels" environment to practice saying no in a setting where it's collectively honored and encouraged.
Chances are you'll learn that saying no to someone doesn't ruin their life and doesn't make them hate you, and in fact creates a context where you can feel more generous, comfortable, and safely connected with other people, because when you honor your own needs instead of ignoring them, you feel more energized, more self-respecting, and more secure.
I'm a guy and I understand Cuddle Party is a non-sexual event. But what if something ... ahh ... comes up?
You mean, like ... um ... an erection?
Not to worry.
Cuddle Party is not a sexual event, but we're not going to castrate you if a physiological response occurs at an inopportune time. We understand that, on occasion, penises, when stimulated, become erect — and as a general principle, we're glad they do. Of course, at a Cuddle Party, you cannot act on an erection if one arises, but assuming you're a homo sapien and not a monkey, such self-control should not be a problem. (If you are a monkey and have somehow figured out how to read, we cannot have you at a Cuddle Party, but Andrew would be pleased to offer you some personal coaching.)
More to the point, when an erection happens at a Cuddle Party, it is best to think of it as, very simply, sexual energy showing up to say hi. It's normal, it's natural, and in a general way, it's a good thing. Don't make it mean anything. And, if an unpleasant feeling of embarassment arises within you to accompany the erection, let that be okay too. As they say, what goes up, must come down, and soon enough, your embarassment, as well as your erection, will subside.
I'm in a great relationship yet Cuddle Party is very intriguing to me, and my partner might be interested too. Is there anything in it for either or both of us?
Yes, potentially. Sometimes one partner in a couple wishes to attend Cuddle Party and the other partner is okay with this. The partner who then attends can receive the same benefits as other participants: enhanced self-assertion and intimacy skills, better boundary-setting skills, an expanded sense of the possibilities of friendly affectionate touch, etc.
Other times, both partners in a relationship wish to attend Cuddle Party, either to expand their separate wings in all the ways Cuddle Party can facilitate this, or to learn better communication and intimacy skills between each other.
Partners who attend Cuddle Party together or separately should, before attending, talk about what agreements and boundaries they would like to have, and then, during the Cuddle Party, should stick with these agreements and boundaries.
Also, something to consider for those in relationship: Cuddle Party is a fantastic way to learn the basics of extraordinary integrity, and extraordinary integrity is one of the main ingredients of an extraordinary relationship. So we encourage couples to attend, enthusiastically.
Do people attend Cuddle Party just once, or do they attend repeatedly?
Both, though if your interest in Cuddle Party is primarily to increase your effectiveness in the sphere of relationships, we recommend attending repeatedly for a period of time. This will give you an opportunity to build upon each learning experience and utilize everything Cuddle Party has to offer in this realm.
How many cuddlers at your average event are new-comers?
Typically, a little more than half of our participants are new-comers.
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