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The Art of Good Conversation
Conversation is central to relationship. But how can we improve our conversation ability if we find it lacking?
There are three basic elements to good conversation:
1. Listening.
2. Paying attention while sharing.
3. Being appropriately spontaneous and honest in your expression.
Let us look at each of these in turn.
1. Listening.
Conversation thrives on good listening. When you listen well, you allow yourself to be touched, pleased, intrigued, stimulated, educated, and inspired by what your conversation partner is sharing.
Listening well means exercising the attention necessary to hear and understand the other's thoughts — as contrasted with being absorbed while the other is speaking by your own thoughts.
It also means resonating with the subtle feelings your partner is conveying through tone and body language — as contrasted with ignoring that level of your partner's communications.
If you wish to improve your listening, be alert for opportunities to practice listening.
When these opportunities arise, you can concentrate on two things:
One, work on understanding the meanings your conversation partner wishes to convey.
Two, work on being a witness to your own feelings and reactions as they arise in your awareness.
Why your own feelings and reactions? Because it is here that you will experience empathy; and it is also here that any distracting reactions might arise, and which needn't be troublesome, so long as you are conscious of them. Awareness allows you to experience it all — and to differentiate.
As you practice listening with both a purposeful outward focus, and a spacious inward awareness, notice the effect your attention has on your conversation partner, and on the quality of your own experience of the conversation.
2. Paying attention while sharing.
Conversation is a joint endeavor, and it is important to remain rooted in connection with our partner even when we are the one doing the talking.
This means being mindful of the other's context while we are speaking: his or her knowledge, interests, values, goals, etc.
It also means paying attention to the other's moment to moment reactions and facial expressions: expressions of interest (or boredom), expressions of understanding (or confusion), expressions of pleasure (or displeasure).
If, when you talk, you tend to be more or less unconscious of the person you are talking with, look for opportunities to practice talking more mindfully.
How do you practice? Slow down while talking, and devote ten to twenty percent of your awareness to the simple presence of the person in front of you. It might feel slightly awkward at first, but stick with it.
And if the practice of mindful awareness while talking leads you to talk less, that is fine. Use the opportunity to practice listening.
3. Being appropriately spontaneous and honest in your expression.
Though the structures of certain conversations — business meetings, for example — may be planned in advance, the words of conversations are almost always improvised.
The key to enjoyable spontaneity in conversation is to remain connected, at a feeling level, with the value or purpose a given conversation has for you. This means remaining connected with your interest, your excitement, your curiosity, your fascination, or your love.
These feelings are the wellsprings of worthwhile spontaneous expression.
If you find yourself overly inhibited and quiet in conversation, the practice for you is: LET LOOSE! The focus is on learning spontaneity.
If you find yourself, on the other hand, saying things out of left field and frustrating people with your lack of sensitivity to context, the practice for you is: SHUT YOUR MOUTH (AND LISTEN)! The focus is on learning appropriateness.
The concept of spontaneity speaks to the form of conversation; the concept of honesty speaks to its content.
Conversation that is honest can be stimulating, energizing, enlightening, moving.
Conversation that lacks honesty is more likely to be boring and useless.
Honest means, for one, refraining from telling lies.
If you find that you often tell lies in conversation, explore for yourself what you hope these lies might accomplish.
But honesty also means sharing truths that contribute to continued exploration and discovery for you and your conversation partner.
If you find that you are often unwilling to share truths about your opinions, feelings, and desires with others, explore for yourself your fears and inhibitions around telling the truth, and consider experimenting with greater honesty.
If, on the other hand, you pride yourself on your honesty, but find that you often speak truths that lead to frustration and pain rather than to exploration and discovery, explore the feelings that make such unproductive truth-telling so compelling to you. Explore the fears that would arise if you were to begin inhibiting yourself from sharing things when doing so is unproductive.
We always have choices as to what we share, and what we withhold. Choose wisely!
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Want a place to practice the Art of Good Conversation?
Attend Cuddle Party. It is a useful event for practicing conversation, in that it tends to attract interesting and friendly people who appreciate honesty — while the relaxed and stimulating environment are uniquely conducive to authentic sharing and mindful listening.
You can, of course, also practice the above skills in your day-to-day life, and we encourage you to.