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Learning to Say No
Many people in our culture have difficulty saying no straightforwardly when they want to say no. If this is you, how can you learn to honor your boundaries with greater integrity?
Here is our first piece of advice: consider the possibility that saying no honestly to someone is the most generous thing you can do for that person, if you are genuinely concerned about their feelings.
Why is this the case?
First of all, consider the alternatives to saying no straightforwardly, when you are a no to a request:
1. You can say yes.
The result of saying yes, however, when you are a no, is resentment. This isn't pleasant for you, but it's also not pleasant for the other person.
Is resentment the gift you really want to give to the other person?
2. You can say no indirectly.
"Your proposal sounds great, but I'm kind of busy this week ... why don't you give me your number and I'll get back to you next week!"
Do you think this tactic is better for the other person's feelings than a simple "no thank you"?
We've all gotten the indirect no, and few if any of us like it.
Such an indirect no not only leaves us hanging; it communicates, at a subtle level, any number of the following messages: "I think you are weak and incapable of handling the truth." "I'm trying to protect you from the terrible punishment that is my rejection." "I don't care about you enough to be truthful; I just want to escape from this encounter as quickly and as unconsciously as possible."
How, then, do you communicate no straightforwardly, and in a way that is most sensitive to the other person's feelings?
Our answer: learn to live in the truth that your own "no" is not a judgment of the other person, but a piece of information — one that the other person needs in order to optimally navigate his or her world, insofar as you are involved in it.
If you can eliminate your own fear of hurting the other person (and perhaps of being hurt in return yourself), you can begin to communicate your no's in the same way you communicate other pieces of information: in a friendly, straightforward manner.
(Some readers may reasonably ask, but what if I say "no" and the other person doesn't accept it? Simple answer: if you've said your no unambiguously and unapologetically, and the other person doesn't accept it, walk away. This person is not your friend.)
As a practice exercise, attend Cuddle Party and work on saying no in a way that is friendly, respectful, straightforward, and free of your own fears.
See if you can say it in the same tone you would use to speak with a driver who asks you if he's going in the right direction to get to Main Street:
"Actually, Main Street isn't in this direction. You need to turn around and drive several blocks in the other direction instead."
Most drivers in search of Main Street, upon being given such honest information, will respond with a hearty "THANK YOU."