There is an idea in our culture that goes something like this: When it comes to relationships, we should follow our feelings.

There is an important grain of truth in this idea. But it is incomplete.

Yes, some people's feelings consistently lead them into healthy, happy, enriching relationships.

But some people's feelings lead them into abusive relationships, or away from healthy relationships.

How about you? Are you happy with your track record?

If not, the trick for you is not to shut out your feelings, but to listen to a wider range of feeling than you have in the past.

The next time you feel excited about someone you are getting to know, take a moment to slow down and listen closely to what you are feeling underneath the excitement. Calm? Anxiety? Joy? Pain?

You needn't make the feeling mean anything, but listen respectfully to what it has to say.

Alternatively, the next time you find yourself turning away from someone with whom you have a good time, and who strikes you as a quality person, slow down and listen attentively to what you are feeling underneath your impulses. Pleasure? Fear? Happiness? Something else?

When you listen to the quieter, more subtle feelings, you may be disconcerted by what you find. But pay attention, and listen to what the quieter feelings have to say.

To the extent you listen respectfully, you will make wiser choices.